I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
