dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
