Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
