my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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