I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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