I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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