So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
