i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
