Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
