just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
should my penis look like a turkey
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
