Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
