Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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