I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
no, he came in my armpit
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
