went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
