My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
