I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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