my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
