just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
