i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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