GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
