If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
