so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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