You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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