My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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