the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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