I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
