drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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