if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
