Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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