I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
