I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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