I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
