worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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