Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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