I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
