Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
