Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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