I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
