new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
