I puked a lego.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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