If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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