I'm so fucking centered right now
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
