apparently the secret to your success is patron
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
