Where did you get a picture of my penis
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
