I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
