Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
