I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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