I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
