I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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