I love black thongs
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
